Spilling the MOST Tea, Part 1: The Dangers of Dating an Alcoholic

Dear reader,

Hello there!! Wow, has it really been a year since we last talked? How have you been? Did you survive the winter storms this past winter?

I can’t wait to hear all about how you’ve been!

What have I been up to, you ask?

Well, since we last talked, a lot has happened. While I catch you up on all that’s happened, I have a lot of tea to spill to you. Heat up your kettle and get your tea leaves ready, because I will be spilling the most tea I’ve ever spilled to you.

First, I’ll be telling you about the story of four roommates. One roommate worked as an electrician, the other worked at a phone store who eventually moved in her boyfriend with her (the 4th roommate), and last but not least, we have the assistant manager of a fast-food restaurant named Tom.

Tom and I met through Grindr. Tom was tall, had long hair, and was a few years younger than me. He had a degree, but due to mental health issues, he stopped working full-time after getting his degree and went into restaurant management (which, in my experience, creates mental health issues, but to each their own lol).

We went on a dinner date, held hands all night, and got along pretty quickly. The spark was strong enough that by the second date, Tom and I were cuddling on the couch when he got nervous and asked, “Well, you know, I’m not seeing anyone else. I know you’re not seeing anyone else. What if we were just seeing each other? Maybe, what if we were boyfriends?”

The way he asked it was so sweet and innocent and wholesome. He looked shy and was blushing. He made me feel safe, and I did enjoy his company. So what would it hurt to give him a chance?

I told him yes, and that evening, we deleted our dating apps together.

Over the next two weeks, Tom and I went on pretty romantic dates. Although he lived thirty miles away, he came to my apartment because he wanted to date a little bit more before meeting his roommates. According to him, his roommates were more than just roommates — they were his best friends. They were his chosen family. However, July 4th was coming up, and his roommates and he were planning a 4th of July Party at their house. He said this would be the perfect time to meet his roommates.

July 4th came around, and Tom gave me a warning. “As a heads up, we were all parking in Dry June. Our last roommate situation was so toxic that we all began drinking heavily. We decided to take a month off drinking to see if we could accomplish it, and we did. However, this is the first time we will have all gotten to drink together, and we really just want to party.”

I replied, “That’s cool, and I’ll have a drink with you guys! But I have a family history of alcoholism — specifically with my dad. It was one of the main contributing factors to his passing. It was a traumatic experience, and I don’t know if I want to really date someone who's a heavy drinker.”

He said, “I can’t be a drinker. I’m starting training to switch careers to be an airline pilot, and you can’t drink or do drugs. I’m very serious about my career path, and I wouldn’t jeopardize it. I also wouldn’t jeopardize losing you as well.”

He smiled and reassured me that he doesn’t have a problem with alcohol, and I had nothing to worry about. He said he’d be mindful about drinking heavily around me, and wanted to make sure I had a good time with him.

The night before, I came over and spent the night at his house so I could wake up and already be there for July 4th. And when we woke up, I met his roommates. They were nice, kind, and were all likable. Tom and I left the house to get party supplies, and upon returning, the party had begun. By party, I mean the drinking.

When we returned, they all took several shots together, and by noon, one of the roommates had her head in the toilet and was vomiting. She had already drunk too much.

As the day turned to night, and as the night progressed, they kept drinking more. However, by the time Tom and I got to bed, it dawned on me that he had been binge drinking all day. He had over 14 beers and two shots, and despite this, he still had a sober demeanor.

The next morning, I woke up and packed my bags to go home. However, Tom sensed there was an issue between us.

“What’s wrong? Are we cool?” He asked.

“Yeah, but I’m spooked. If you could drink so much in a given setting and just be buzzed, it really scares me about dating you.”

He looked worried and said, “I hear you. I understand why you’d be spooked, especially with your history with your dad. This isn’t a regular instance, and I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable.”

I decided to give him grace and forgive him.

However, over the next month, we’d go on dates less and less and start spending time with his friends more and more. Each time we’d hang out with his roommates, drinking would be involved. At one point, I even started to question if he actually had an alcohol problem. After bringing up to him, he said, “There’s no way I have an alcohol problem. I drink because I’m young and wanna have fun with my friends while I can. When my career as a pilot begins, my life will change. I want to enjoy this phase of life while I can.”

Then, later that week, I FaceTimed Tom.

When I face-timed him, I noticed his eyes were closed over, and he was wobbling.

“Tom, are you drunk?” I asked.

“I'm not drunk, but I did have a few drinks with my friends.”

“Dude, what’s going on?” I asked.

He replied, “Well, after you asked me about being an alcoholic, it upset me so much that I drank until I blacked out.”

My face turned red.

I then pointed my FaceTime camera at my closet door and said, “Tom, do you know what’s in this closet? My dad. His ashes are in there because he couldn’t control his drinking, and it tanked his health. He died when I was 14, and I went through hell.”

I then turned the camera back at me and said, “I’m not going through that again. You keep saying you want me, and your drinking won't be an issue, but it already is. I’m getting mixed signals from you, and I can’t take it. Tell me now — do you want to be my boyfriend? Or, do you want to keep drinking and be single?”

He stared into the camera and without hesitation, he said, “Look, I want a life partner, and I love you. The drinking stops now. No more alcohol. After this, I’ll be 100% sober. End of story.”

Several days later, I came over to his house to spend the weekend with him, and found three empty beer-canes on his nightstand.

“So, oh, what the fuck?” I asked Tom.

Tom replied, “Well, my roommates and I were taking, and we think it’s unreasonable for you to expect me to quit alcohol altogether.”

“But, that was your idea,” I replied.

“Yeah, but what if we came to a middle ground? It’s not reasonable for me to quit alcohol altogether, but what if I just had a beer or two and called it a day? Can we have some sort of compromise? Besides, I was drunk when I said it, and I shouldn’t have. You can’t expect to take the word of someone who is that impaired. It feels manipulative. I want this to work.”

I took a deep breath and thought for a moment. I looked at him and saw a man in front of me trying hard to make it work with me. Although he said he wasn’t drunk when I FaceTimed him, he wasn’t in his right mind to make such a large decision.

I then replied, “I’m fine with a compromise, but you lied to me. How am I supposed to believe you?”

He looked me in the eyes and said, “Because I love you. I want this to work.”

I caved. I felt guilty that I possibly manipulated him into quitting alcohol. Above all else, this is the best connection I had with a guy in over a decade, so why throw it away if he’s willing to put in the work?

A month later, things had settled between us. We went on more dates, spent more time at my apartment, and I got to meet his family. I got to make tea for his grandmother, got to go to a quilting show with his mother, befriended his brother, and began to see more of a future with Tom. We did have one near-relationship-ending fight over spending too much time with his roommates, and after that, things started to even out again. We even went to see Aly & Aj in concert. At one point, AJ looked down at us and saw us holding hands, and looked up at us and smiled with approval.

However, one Sunday after returning home, I was turning into a gas-station parking lot when an older couple ran a stop sign. After nearly t-boning them, I slammed on my brakes and turned my wheel. My car slid up to a curb, bringing it to an immediate halt. I hit my head on my side windshield, ricocheted my neck to the side, and slammed my head into the headrest.

After avoiding the collision, I stopped and screamed. After a few people got out of their car and rushed to my aid, we were able to determine that there was no car damage to my vehicle (besides a bent rim). While several people called the cops on the elderly couple who ran the stop sign, I drove myself to the ER.

While sitting in the ER, I couldn’t move my neck, and my back was on fire. I called Tom and said, “I’m in the ER. I almost had an accident, and I’m fine. However, I hit my head pretty hard, and my back is on fire. I’m pretty scared. Can you come up here?”

While panicked, he said, “Oh god! How terrible! I just got off work, let me grab a change of clothes real quick at home, and I’ll meet you in the ER. Be right there.”

Then, a nurse took me to do an X-Ray of my back and neck, and two hours later, they concluded that although I hit my head, I showed signs of a neck and back sprain, but nothing was broken. After another hour, they eventually sent me home.

Upon arriving home, I pulled out my phone and called Tom. “Tom! Where are you! That was 3 hours ago. I’m home now!”

Tom replied, “Well, we had spent all weekend together, and I figured you were okay in the ER. I wanted to say hey to my roommates since I have’t seen them 1 on 1 all week. But I’m almost there.”

“Ok, Tom, answer me: Why are we boyfriends? Why do you have a boyfriend?! Why am I with you?! I called you because I was in the ER and I needed you! And you weren’t there!”

He replied, “I canceled a concert tonight with a friend to be there for you! I am there for you. I’ve given up a lot because of you! I even slacked on getting my airline pilot’s license because of you! You keep insisting we spend more alone time together, especially without partying with my roommates, and I’m afraid that when I go to school for pilot school, you’ll take issue with it! It’s never enough!”

I replied, “I only took issue with you spending so much time with your roommates because you keep drinking around them! Also, I’ve been more than supportive of you becoming a pilot! I even drove you to your physicals and to the flight academy!”

He replied, “Well, I’m now pulling up to your place. I'm here to take care of you. So let’s focus on getting you better.”

That night, things felt awkward between us. I felt like I was losing him, and somehow felt like it was all my fault. Had I really been preventing him from going after his career? Was I really controlling with his friend and drinking? Was I really a monster?

Either way, we didn’t talk much for the rest of the night. He held me while I passed out on painkillers, and made sure I had food for the next few days. The next morning, he left to go to work…

That night, I woke up after being asleep all day. My neck and back hurt and still burned, and after taking another painkiller, I looked at my phone to see that Tom had texted when he got off work. I had actually been asleep all day, and it was evening again.

I then FaceTimed Tom, and upon answering, he said, “Hey, you feeling better?”

I looked at him on FaceTime to see his eyes bloodshot and glazed over.

“Are, are you drunk again?!” I asked in a defeated tone.

“Yeah. I have a work party, and I’m bringing my roommate, and we’re pre-gaming.” Tom stated

My blood began to boil as I replied, “Look, I have an issue. You keep drinking, and it’s too much of a problem for me. I also don’t like how you couldn’t show up yesterday when I was in the ER because you were drinking with your roommates! Then you drove to my apartment while drunk! In fact, in the 4 months I’ve known you, you haven’t gone 1 day since July 3rd without having a single drink. You also accused me of taking up all of your time and blamed me for not advancing on your pilot education, but maybe it’s because in your free time, you’re always drinking with your roommates! You have an alcohol problem, Tom!”

Tom slurred his words before saying, “My roommates don’t think I have a drinking problem!”

I snapped back and said, “Well, yeah! That’s because they’re enabling you! I don’t like them because of that! You spend every night with them. Have you not spent 1 single night alone, by yourself, in the past 4 months?”

He replied and said, “No, I haven’t spent a night alone by myself in months. Why is that an issue? Why is it that I’m never enough?! And if you don’t like my roommates, then why are we together?”

I then yelled into the phone, “Because I’m dating YOU, not your roommates! You keep saying that you’re ‘never enough’, but have you ever thought about not drinking?! It’s not that hard of a request! You kept blaming your drinking problem on your last roommate, but guess what? She’s been gone for months! You have no one else to blame for it but YOU!”

There was a pause on the phone. Tom sighed and said, “I think you’re blaming your dad on me, and you have issues you have to sort out…I think we’re done here.”

I stopped and started to tear up. Never would I have imagined that Tom would weaponize my dad’s passing against me. From this moment on, I knew I had to be done.

I quickly replied, “Agreed, we’re over.”

After hanging up the phone, I never spoke to Tom again…

You see, dear friend, I learned several things from this.

One, you can’t change anyone. You can’t make someone control their addictions, because that has to come from within. No matter how much you want it, they have to want it.

Second, just because someone says they love you and wants to fix an issue that they’re more actively fixing, then that’s what we call ‘gaslighting’. Tom blamed me for him not wanting to excel in his career when in reality, he didn’t have a sober day in almost 4 months.

Lastly, when people show you who they are for the first time, believe them.

In reflection, when I saw Tom drink 16 drinks on the 4th of July, I should have never come back. Or, when I discovered that he had been lying to me about his drinking after he said he’d quit, I should have left him then. No matter how badly I wanted him to believe me, he already told me repeatedly that he wasn’t going to change.

I should have believed him the first time. Or, at least, the second time.

I also learned that by dating Tom, I had increased my alcohol intake and started to drink on a semi-regular basis as well. By dating Tom, I made the biggest mistake you can make while dating anyone:

I stopped taking care of myself.

After breaking up with Tom, I threw away all of the alcohol I had in my apartment and stopped drinking altogether. Although I didn’t have an alcohol problem, I got scared that I could easily develop one if I didn’t stop now.

However, there’s still one unanswered question I have for myself: What’s wrong with me that I have to accept something that’s toxic for me? Am I so insecure, or lacking something so deep down, that I can’t draw a boundary for myself? Confronting Tom about his alcohol and creating mini-ultimatums did absolutely nothing but put stress on our relationship, so what’s broken within me that I can’t just leave?

That, my dear friend, is a question I believe I have the answer for; I just don’t have the bravery to say it out loud yet…

Anyhow, thank you for listening, dear fiend. There is SO much more tea to spill to you, and I’ll catch you up on more next week.

Until then, drink a nice cup of oolong tea on my behalf.

I’ll write to you next week.

With love,

~Cody

aka The Oolong Drunk

“Blissfully Tea Drunk”