Spilling MORE Tea, Part 4: Gay Sex Ruined Dating

Hello, dear reader!

How has your week been? Have you had an enjoy able end to your spring?

Hopefully you’ve been able to enjoy better weather outside before it gets too hot. 

Speaking of things that are hot, let’s jump right into spilling today’s tea and go over sex.

Specifically, gay sex.

Well, not just sex, but the context of sex with relationships.

Like many topics I’ve already covered, this is probably a topic that’s already been done to death, or rather, sex’d to death. 

However, in gay dating, there are two stereotypes when it comes to sex and dating. The first one is, that if you’re going to date someone, you have sex with them first and go on the date second. The other stereotype is when hooking up with a guy, you have sex first and get his name after. If you get his name before ‘the sex’, you’re automatically stuck with being friends with benefits for life.

Now, I don’t always partake in gay dating/gay hookup culture, because with all of the diseases out there you can catch, there’s one above the rest that I’m the most afraid of catching:

Feelings. 

However, when in gay dating, regardless if you meet in person or over an app, the topic of sex is sometimes always the first to come up. Or, when talking to someone on a more interpersonal level, they’ll say they want something more serious, but will eventually revert back to wanting just sex. So while navigating the world of gay dating, I was happy when I met Christian. 

Christian is a devout-him and upon matching him on a dating app, and after our basic questions, the topic went straight to sex. However, this time, it took a different route.

“I want to wait for a while, I want to fall in love with someone and have romance first,” Christian said. 

Which, I have been told these things before. However, what made Christian stand out above the others, is that when he asked for my Snapchat, he actually sent me a face photo. 

He is the first guy in 4+ years who didn’t send me a dick pic through Snapchat. 

Upon our first date, we walked around a park at sunset. We talked about life goals, our pasts, and how we grew up and shared hobbies. We eventually held hands, eventually finished each other’s sentences, and both blushed throughout the entire date. If a date watching the sun set behind the Rocky Mountain range would have been any more perfect, we would have found our way to the center of a Hallmark Channel original movie. 

The next week, we went out on our second date. For this date, we dressed up, went to a nice dinner, and held hands as we walked around the downtown area of a cute mountain town. However, this time, it felt like the romance was the strongest had ever been. We both felt comfortable around each other, we laughed a lot, and it was simple, yet hopeful. I knew I wanted this guy to be my boyfriend, and I knew I wanted no one else. That is until we got back to my car.

“There’s something I need to confess to you and something I was afraid to tell you early on because I was afraid you wouldn’t have given me a chance otherwise."

While surprised, I replied, “Oh? Well, whatever it is, it can’t be that bad. What’s going on?”

He took a deep breath as he confessed: “I don’t have sex up front and wait until I date someone for a while before I do.” 

I sighed with relief and replied, “Well same! That’s what I want too!”

He shrugged and continued, “No, like, I don’t have sex at all. I’m saving myself for marriage and I'm completely abstinent.”

I looked at him and replied, “Oh… Like, no sex, even if you’re in a committed relationship?”

He sighed and replied, “Well yeah, I’d want us to be married first. I want monogamy, but want to date someone for 3-4 years before we get engaged. It’s so frustrating because no guy will give me a chance.”

I stood corrected, it can be that bad.

I replied, “Well I’m down to wait a while before we explore each other sexually but if we’ve been in a serious relationship for a period of time, I’d want us to do so something. Lovemaking is important because although I don’t like rushing into things quickly, I am a sexual person.”

He looked away and replied, “Would you have even gone out with me if you knew thins?”

I replied, “Well, I don’t know. No? Maybe? But, by you not bringing it up, you never gave me the option to have that choice either. Because you’re not just wanting someone to be your boyfriend, you’re asking someone to share abstinence with you -- which is such a massive request to throw in someone’s direction.”

He looked sad, and if I'm being truthful, I was sad too.

We both parted ways and didn’t go out again…

However, I didn’t give up. After a few more months of talking to different guys about going out, only to be sent nude photos in return, I was just about to give up on the idea of dating altogether until I got a message from Forehead. 

Forehead lived on the other side of the metroplex, and to my surprise, he also led our conversation by sending me a photo of his face. He was fully clothed in his photo, which seemed to be a rarity for the gay community. He had a decent job and also loved cats. This eventually led to a week-long flirtationship that lasted all week, until we eventually went to dinner. At dinner, we had a conversation that flowed naturally. We clicked immediately, both wanted a serious long-term relationship and at the end of dinner, it felt like we had already been dating for months on end. It felt so natural and so effortless. It felt like another instance of ‘meant to be’. 

But as you know dear Reader, this is my blog we’re talking about. I don’t normally share things with you unless they end in disaster. 

A few days after my date with Forehead, he and I talked about going on more romantic dates and talking about romantic dates led to the conversation of sex. 

After talking about having similar interests in the bedroom, he said, “Yeah, we should hook up next time instead of going out.”

This surprised me. Given that he was more interested in romance, and given his demeanor up to this point, I didn’t expect him to be so blunt with it. 

To which I replied, “If being honest, I’m burned out on hookup culture. Would rather go out more and fall for each other before we explore that. 

To which he replied, “But how am I supposed to fall in love with you unless we have sex first?”

I was taken by surprise. 

I replied, “So you need to have sex with someone first before you can decide if you want to be with them or not? You can’t develop feelings naturally without it?”

To which he replied, “I refuse to enter a relationship with someone unless we have sex first because I need to know how good the sex is before I know if I can fall in love with someone or not. We have the same sexual interests anyway, so I’m sure we’ll click with that. I’m not sure why you’re becoming so prude all of the sudden.”

My heart dropped to my stomach as I replied, “I’m not a prude, but you just objectified me and reduced who I am as a person, to just sex. I may be a sexual person, but I also know I’m more than that, and won’t continue further.”

To which he replied, “That’s sad, I really liked you too. Good luck on your search.”

Dear reader, I must tell you, I felt gaslit by him. 

But also, I started to wonder: Is sex ruining dating for me?

Well, I’ll be forward and say, I’m just as sexual as anyone else. I’m not anymore, or any less, than the average person. However, is it wrong to want to find human connection first? In a world of social media where gay men are subjected to connect with each other through the naked lens, wouldn’t it be easier to open myself up more to having hookups in hopes of finding someone? 

I might could. I might have found someone if I went about this differently, but that would mean that I’d be changing my morals for the realm of dating — the same realm that reduces gay men to sex or personable connection. Why would I become more materialistic when materialism in dating has already brought me so much frustration? Why can’t there be a middle ground? 

At the end of the day, I’ll go to bed at night alone with the hope that I can find a middle ground with someone out there. I hope that one day, the right guy will come along and make this easy, and will make this easy with me. 

In the meantime, we’re sexual. We’re flawed. Above all else — gay dating is not perfect, but neither am I. 

However, until I meet the guy who’ll meet me in the middle ground, these guys can fuck themselves and I’ll fuck myself, too. 

Thank you, dear reader for reading today’s segment of the blog series. I hope you’re able to have a wonderful week this week, and I can’t wait to spill even more tea with you next week.

Until then,

~Cody Wade

Aka The Oolong Drunk

“Blissfully Tea Drunk With…”