Spilling MORE Tea, Part 5: I Ended My Friendship Over My Book

Hello, Dear Reader. Welcome back!

Did you have a good week this past week? Have any enjoyable tea?

Well, as always, I have tea. But I can’t always guarantee you’ll always enjoy it :p 

However, there’s something that’s been weighing heavy on my mind lately: Have you ever completed a project that was lengthy, and took a lot of time, dedication, and effort to complete? Have you ever completed a project that took a chunk of your soul with you along the way?

Yes? Now, I have a follow-up question to as: Have you ever shared something so monumental with a friend — only for them to dismiss it? What about with a group of friends?

Today, I’m going to share with you about how a close friend took that trust and threw it away. 

This is about how I broke up with my best friend over my book.

Before we can talk about the friend in question, we need to go back to March of last year.

In last year’s blog series ‘Spilling The Tea’, I detailed a story about an ex who my relationship with crumbled due to them being in the closet. (You can read here).

By the time of writing that blog post, which was towards the end of July, the relationship in question and been long over. In fact, that relationship ended four months before I wrote that blog post. 

One night, shortly after the break-up, I lied awake in bed and couldn’t stop thinking about how that relationship ended. I was upset, felt betrayed, and overall, just missed him. Our circumstances were messy, and the situation was unfair. Which, that’s life. However, while pondering that relationship, I jolted straight up out of bed at 4:00 am and began writing down names, characters, settings, and plot lines. This 4:00 am fever dream turned into a month-long planning session. This planning session took the form of an outline, and eventually, would be the skeletal structure of a novel that would consume every conscious thought in my brain.

In a creative-neurotic state, I obsessed over this soon-to-be next great American novel. It eventually consumed every corner of my brain space that I had, and no matter how much I tried to distract myself from it, I couldn’t escape it. The characters in the story were very much alive, and the best way to find peace again was to get them out of my head, and onto paper. 

In April, I completed my outline and began the rigorous process of writing my book. 

With this context, we’ll now introduce the subject of today’s story: White Woman Entitlement. 

White Woman Entitlement and I met several years prior at a wedding, and when I first met her, it felt like a long-lost sister that I had finally reunited with years after being separated. We had similar interests, we had similar humor, and above all else, we enjoyed each other’s company. Now, given this wedding was halfway across the country, and she and I lived in separate states. After exchanging social media, we went separate ways with talks of a one-day meeting up again.

To my surprise, that eventually happened! 

One morning, I woke up to a message from White Woman Entitlement that said that she and her LTR would be traveling to Colorado for a camping trip. And a few weeks, later, we were meeting in person for tea. She brought tea from home, and so did I. We hung out at a cafe, played tourist in Colorado, and after a perfect Saturday, it was time for us to part again.

Despite that we lived several states away, White Woman Entitlement and I kept our connection going through daily snapchats, bi-weekly phone calls, and monthly virtual tea sessions. Over the course of a few years of keeping up this connection, it was safe to say that she felt like a sister to me. In many aspects, I felt like a brother to her as well. 

We were official best friends and a part of each other’s daily lives. Despite living several states away, our friendship felt much closer. 

We were chosen family.

When it came time for me to finally get started on my novel, Entitled White Woman was one of the first friends who I told about the news. I told her for various reasons, mostly including that we were besties. However, one of the reasons I wanted to tell her is because she is also a writer!

She’s a songwriter to be specific. 

While I was writing my novel, she was also writing new music. While the mediums were different, the art was the same: We were bleeding our hearts out on a piece of paper to convey a story. This was our art.

While I was writing my novel, I’d keep her updated on the book's progress. At the same time, she’d keep me updated on her songwriting progress.

However, I woke up the next morning to the news that she and her LTR would be back in Colorado. Just like last time, we met for tea and got food, and unlike last time, our date abruptly ended.

I couldn’t put my finger on it, but there was something in the air between them. They had been together for over four years and felt inseparable. Her personality was intertwined with his so much that you’d figure they’d be a forever couple, or, forget that they were two separate people.

Unbeknownst to me at the time, but right after they left Colorado, they got into an argument on their drive back, and she broke up with him.

I put my finger on it. 

Without going into details about their relationship (mostly because it’s not my business to tell), Entitled White Woman almost immediately got into a new relationship. 

She hopped from one to the next. 

Despite my concern for her, she was happy. Since she was happy, it started showing in her art. While FaceTiming with her, she’d show me some of her new songs. While strumming on a guitar, and singing with the sound of a thousand doves, I was stunned at how indiscernibly beautiful her music was. She seems to be doing better. The more music she wrote, the more I cheered her on. However, it wasn’t a 1-way street: While writing more of my book, she was cheering me on too.

However, despite our overlapping support, we didn’t share the same parallel. 

On my end, I was going from one job to the next. I quit working at a bank, had instability at my new job that made me fearful of becoming homeless, and had horrible luck at dating and creating new friendships. As I described in my blog’s 9-year anniversary post, I even detailed how my loneliness and life situation eventually brought upon a panic disorder that seemed to consume every aspect of my life. 

However, the job at the surgery center became so bad, that I was interviewing for new positions on a weekly basis. Eventually, I found a new job, however, I quit the surgery center due to pulling my hair out due to stress. 

I had a month gap between leaving the surgery center and starting my new position.

What did I do with that month's gap? 

I went to Trident Cafe nearly every single day, from sun-up to sun-down, to complete writing on my novel. I wrote from sun-up to sun-down, and at one point, I went to Trident 16 days in a row without missing. I was close to seeing the end of the tunnel, and after putting hours upon hours of hard work into this story, I was almost done. The chargers in mind were coming more to life, and with each and every sentence, they were almost real people. 

Entitled White Woman was cheering me on, and while cheering me on, I truly felt like she was there for me. 

Then, a week before starting my new job, I looked at my outline and saw I only had a few pages left to write. With a rush of adrenaline and a spike of tea, I levitated out of my body as I wanted to write the final sentences of my book.

From the last paragraph, down to the last sentence, up to the last period, I got chills down my spine as I closed the lid to my laptop and began crying. 

The weight of finishing the book immediately lifted off my shoulders, as the feeling of cool relief overwhelmed my body. 

While shaking and crying uncontrollably relief, I got my phone out and called the one person who I knew would be excited for me: Entitled White Woman.

When calling her elated, she expressed excitement for me. She told me she was proud of me, and told me I was incredible for finishing such an incredible feat. 

This support felt constant, up until I said one simple sentence: “I can’t wait for you to read it!”

That’s when the mood shifted. 

Shortly thereafter, the mood changed.

“Oh, I’m too busy with the new boo. We have a lot coming up. You can send it to me, but I’ll read it soon.” After a month of editing my book, and with a click of an email, I sent her my novel.

Meanwhile, in the next coming months, all of our conversations surrounding her new boo, who we’ll call fuckface for this story. 

“Fuckface took me on a romantic date!”

Or,

“Fuckface makes me so happy!”

Or,

“I wrote a new song about fuckface! Let me show you!!”

She was living her Cinderella moment, and in doing so, she made her new boo her entire personality. Meanwhile, with our parallel, I was being stood up at restaurants for dates, and being stood up by friends at restaurants, and my loneliness was growing into a category-5 storm that was rapidly turning into loneliness-induced panic. 

However, one night, Entitled White Woman was talking about how she didn’t enjoy her trip to Hawaii with her family, because the last time she went, it was with her ex. She was talking about how her relationship with Fuckface was so magical that it was too good to be true. 

Then, after venting to her that I was struggling with loneliness, she replied, “Maybe you should spend more time by yourself until you’re comfortable with yourself.”

My face turned red-hot, not because the advice was bad, but because it was coming from a girl who had spent her entire adult life in a relationship with someone and had never spent more than a day by herself.

While anger, disappointment, and jealousy grew inside me, I started to resent Entitled White Woman. Her life was perfect. The perfect vacation. The perfect boyfriend. The perfect friend. Above all else, the perfect way in which the way she never had to struggle was because, above all else, she had opportunities given to her that most people would never have on their own. 

After taking a short break from Entitled White Woman, I started to feel bad about my anger and jealousy. Just because she’s happy, doesn't mean I can’t be a part of it. In the background, I was planning a birthday party to include some of my closest friends to come out and spend my 30th birthday with me. If you can’t beat them, then ask them to join you, right?

Upon telling her that I was planning a 30th birthday with several of our mutual friends and seeing all of my friends in one spot would help, she said, “I don’t know, I can’t plan that far out because I don’t know what Fuckface will be doing, and I’ll have to plan around what he wants.”

I then remembered how the last two times I saw her in person, was also dictated based off what her date wanted, not what her and I wanted. I started lose hope in our friendship.

To which I replied, “Look, I’m happy for you and all, but I want to see everyone for my birthday. 

My loneliness is crippling me. I’ve spent the last four birthdays in a row by myself since moving to Colorado and spent every single holiday by myself since moving here. I know that’s not anyone else’s problem but mine, but I don’t want to go into my 30’s alone. I need my friends.”

After a moment, she said, replied, “Look, Thanksgiving is coming up in a few weeks. How about I call you and we can drink tea together, and eat food together virtually. I know we can’t be physically together, but I’d love to do this!”

I started to calm down and started to feel reassured about our friendship. 

That was until when Thanksgiving came around, and she was nowhere to be found. She didn’t call, or text, like she had promised…

A week later, she apologized for ditching because she was busy with her new boo, and she was busy having the most magical time with Fuckface. Then, she said, “I’ve also been writing new music!” 

Then, in a jolt of anger, I replied, “How’s my book coming along? It’s been a minute, and was curious how far along you were in it?”

She then hesitantly replied, “Oh, I haven’t read it. I’ve been very busy lately, and things are going so well with Fuckface.” 

Then, I replied, “So how do you expect me to be supportive of you and your art, if you can’t be supportive of me and my art?”

She then replied, “I’m sorry. I know it’s been one-way lately, but I don’t have the capacity to give at the moment.”

I read that text and realized that was the exact moment I lost all of my love for her. Not only did I lose my love for her, I now harbored resentment towards her. I realized that not only was she had the privilege of living a life I’ll never get to experience but realized that she was using me as a cheerleader, and somewhere along the way, she stopped cheering me on back. 

Now, dear reader, she can’t help that she had a privileged life. She can’t help that certain things will come easier to her. However, her life turned into something that made me more and more lonely about myself. Not only was I hitting a peak with my loneliness, and struggling with feeling cared for by my friends, but talking to her started to make me feel like crap about myself. All of her ‘wins’ felt like ‘brags’.

Maybe if she could have been there for me like she always had, maybe I would have been able to keep cheering her on. 

But I couldn’t.

I was angry. I was jealous. And even now, I am lonely.

I’m just human. 

Even now, none of my friends have read my book, and although I wrote it for myself, I wish I had never shared it with any of them. The hurt that came from no one in my life reading my work, and not reading a piece of writing that I bled for, was soul-crushing. 

I don’t know where to go from here, and I haven’t talked to Entitled White Woman all year this year. I just know that I miss having her in my life, despite that I can’t have her in my life. 

I don’t have a conclusion to this, except, life is complex and messy.

And so am I…

Thank you, dear reader, for coming back this week. 

I will see you next week, as, next week’s post will conclude this series. 

Thank you for making it this far.

I appreciate you.

With all my love,

~Cody Wade

Aka The Oolong Drunk

“Blissfully Tea Drunk”